Now that a few weeks have passed since mum died I've had the courage to try and start writing on this blog again. It's been a surreal time for me and the hardest is when I say to myself "I'll just go and ring mum" and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks....I can't.
I talk to mum a lot in my head hoping she can hear me and some very strange coincidences have happened since she died. For one example, I had a text from my agent to ask if I could go to a casting for a Bank advertising campaign. I really didn't feel like it because I'd been crying most of the day and didn't think I'd look any good the next day at the casting. I did reply 'yes' and as soon as I did I went on to my Instagram account and to my surprise the very same Bank was the first post that came up on my timeline. I felt somehow that I would get the job and I did! I couldn't help but wonder if my mother had something to do with it.
One of the hardest things coping with mum's loss is trying to console dad. After 57 years of being together he's doing it tough. All I can do is tell him, the exact same thing I tell myself when I get overwhelmed with the grief, and that is that mum had no quality of life, she couldn't even move herself in her bed, let alone get up, she had become totally dependant on dad. That helps me a lot, thinking how much better off she must be in another dimension without the pain and suffering.
Grief is indeed an overwhelming feeling. Some mornings I really don't want to get out of bed, but I just tell myself to get on with it, because that's exactly what mum would had said. I've also been quite intolerant of people since mum died and I guess that too, will pass.
As part of my other blog Sydney Chic, I met a wonderful musician and posted a story about him. When he found out about my mum he sent me one of his compositions called "heal". The song brought me to tears but in a strange way it has helped me to heal, it comforts me. You can listen to it below.
I'm truly grateful for my faith in life continuing in after this one. My faith is without any religion or organisation; it's my own deep belief that something much grander awaits us after this life.
Life is precious.